Just keep swimming…
I was in the pool today doing a semi-difficult swim workout prescribed by a triathlon training app I downloaded the other day. It was going swimmingly (pun intended) until I started feeling a little weary and tired. A tired that is different from that due to intense physical effort. It was the kind of tired that I have come to know very well over the last 14 years of my life. The kind of tired that comes solely from low blood sugar, or in more technical terms, hypoglycaemia.
Hypoglycaemia? That is when there is not enough sugar in your blood stream to properly fuel your brain and body and can in some cases result in loss of consciousness, or in more serious cases, death. So yea pretty serious.
However, I couldn’t help but feel this overwhelming sense of disappointment. Like I should keep going or it will be considered a failure.
Throughout my time as a type 1 diabetic I have dealt with many highs and lows (both literally and metaphorically), so of course I have become accustomed to the treatment and prescribed interventions. It has often been repeated to me, that you must stop the physical activity, treat the low and resume said activity once you see a rise in blood sugar.
Well, I did not do that. I decided to keep going, against all the things I’ve learned throughout my 14 years with this disease. I couldn’t stop thinking, what has lead me to have these conflicting feelings towards hypoglycaemia?
It has been an ongoing struggle throughout my life as an athlete. The one thing that I continue to struggle with; negative self talk. The self deprecation. The self blame. The self… I’ve run out of synonyms for nicer ways to say that I can’t stop hating myself for losing control of my blood sugar. Especially while engaging in physical activity.
I continued swimming, despite the fact that I knew my blood sugar was low, knowing exercise only accelerates the low, knowing I hadn’t treated it blah blah, whatever… I NEEDED to finish my set. Otherwise, I would consider myself a failure. I would deem my set as incomplete. I only had like 400m left anyways…..
Nobody else was around. I don’t have a personal coach expecting me to reach certain milestones, I didn’t tell anyone what kind of workout I would be doing, I don’t have a specific goal in mind, I was just swimming as part of my daily exercise. The exercise I do to keep me sane, to keep me fit and well, to help keep my blood sugar in control. Ha. Funny. Right?
How can I want to exercise for my blood sugar regulation, for my overall health when I am willing to risk it by doing said exercise? How contradictory…
I was swimming, and thinking, about the fact that my blood sugar was low, and that I should really stop, despite the fact that I won’t finish the set that my random app told me to do. And I thought, this is an experience I want to share. I imagine I am not the only one living through these frustrations and these conundrums of being an athlete (well former athlete turned amateur who likes to exercise), trying to achieve individual goals and constantly battling to live life between 4.5 and 13.0.
So, I decided to finally write about it. And I'm going to keep writing about my various experiences and learnings around this disease. I have learned a lot over the years. From every type of exercise, sport, hobby, to living at altitude, to travelling the world with diabetes. And if I am able to help 1 person, then it is worth it for me to share my truths.
Your diabuddy,
Camille